December 08, 2002 - 5:05 pm
I'm so tired.
Tired of feeling sad, tired of not feeling, tired of feeling guilty that I'm not feeling, then back to being tired of feeling sad. Geesh.
Nobody said grief was easy, right?
I'm having such a hard time. I see my father in EVERYTHING during the day...but yet I push it right out of my brain and go on with my day. Then, I look outside and see the way the sun reflects into shadows on the snow in the woods. The deer in the cornfield, his mail on my counter, the bittersweet wreath on my wall, the sunset.
I'm a firm believer that at sunset and during rainbows heaven and earth are just a little bit closer together. My dad was a huge sunset and rainbow fan - I've found so many pictures of them in his stuff. He's the only man I know (except you, Grousie) who took the time to see the little things in life - the silver lining on a cloud, the way waves crash, the tiny hairs on my son's cheek, the spots on the sailfish's fin that he caught, etc. All the little details in life. Makes me believe that he lived a little more than most in his short time.
Everything I am, everything I have become, at one point or another originated with my parents...it's so hard to not have one of them anymore.
It scares the bejesus (Did I just say that word? Bejesus? Is that a word???) out of me too. My mother has Parkinson's Disease. What's to become of me when I lose her, or she becomes incapaciated? I can't handle that.
I suppose it's one of those life-building experiences that everyone deals with, but damnit, I'm not ready to deal with this...and I shouldn't have to...my parents are (were?) still young. My grandparents are 70+, and they're still kicking...why do *I* have to lose MY father?
That's so damn unfair.
But, look at what I've been blessed with...
Must.
Eat.
Pizza.
G'nite, friends.
~L
